Instead of being a musician and dying in the next 11 months and 30 days, I'm going to be me and do the following within the next year: - New job that pays better and doesn't make me gain 40 to 50 pounds back. (Yeah, thanks boss.) - Gettin' fit. - Getting my finances together to somehow buy this stupid big but homey house from my parents. - Writing! Photography! Knitting! - I'll even write in Livejournal again.
It's a good age, I hear. Although according to that guy at the bar/movie club we went to on my birthday my cleavage and I look 18.
1) I still read livejournal. 2) I use Tumblr SO MUCH MORE. 3) I don't write as much anymore, despite my good intentions, because I'm in a downward spiral of something not terrible, but it certainly makes it hard to create anything. 4) I really, really need to find a different (read: better paying) job and move somewhere that isn't Missouri. But I have Mike to discuss that with.
Today is Mike's birthday! Thanksgiving was full of pie. Him and I are eating bad fast food that he wants and then we go on a scheduled health kick since I bought him a Kinect for his birthday and a training game that belittles you.
How hard she fights to get her way. Her way makes her look weak, helpless, beyond our ability to aid her.
Laying on the floor like a child, throwing a tantrum because she's hot and sweating in flannel pajamas, but a couple hours before she declared she was cold and needed two extra layers and the heater turned up as high as it would go. But none of this was verbally said, you know. In sounds and motions and inference. We do as she wants, despite knowing the outcome she can't wrap her head around.
We finally lift her up and set her down in a wheelchair, despite her tirade of "no, no, no." It's one of the few things she decides she can say lately. But it doesn't stop.
Refusing to take her evening medication. Refusing to sit, barely stand, barely take one heavily supported step. She doesn't walk anymore, she gets wheeled from room to room. It takes 50 minutes, from start to finish, to get her to the bathroom, changed into different clothes, medicated, into bed.
She fights some of the time, betraying her strength. She's as strong as ever in her non-paralyzed side. I don't believe her when she says, "I can't." What she means to say is "I won't," "I don't want to anymore," "Let me die, because I hate living this way."
And every once in a while, it pains me to say, because I would miss her terribly -- I already do miss her -- I want her wish to come true. All of the things we do for her are reminders of her independent life. This half life she has now is horrible, and even with all of the love and respect we give her, especially through the nights like this, it's not enough.
It never will be. I want her to have what she wants, even if it means she goes away.
Things at work are going horribly, but it's making everyone be extra nice to me and encouraging me about my writing getting published so I don't have to work in an office. Don't really feel like getting into all of that, but it's interesting!
Went to Webster Groves and saw this.
Ate at restaurants on Big Bend Blvd.
Drove around Webster University just to reminisce/remind myself to keep those student loans paid...
Went shopping and ended up spending about triple then what I wanted to, but work clothes/shoes I can wear outside of the office are rare and I had to get them. Also ordered some of those silly Puma sneaker things that make your feet look extra thin but Mike liked them and they aren't incredibly ugly, and I wanted new casual shoes anyway...
Mike is convinced I've lost inches around my midsection since I started walking daily, but the scale says I've gained weight. Sigh. I don't see a difference, but I think I feel one? No sé.
A surprising amount of customers at the office are like "hey, why aren't you married yet?" And that's a little annoying.
I'm generally feeling dissatisfied these days. Trying to do things to solve that, but situations aren't turning out quite how I want them to. Not everything is bad, a lot of things are good, but the bad is slowly getting bigger and bigger, and making it go away will involve either a)a lot of over time or b)being able to support myself by doing things that are awesome.
Going to Actually, Really Really finish editing The Book by the end of August while also reading a couple books of I bought and then start on a new story, or stories, because the only way I'm going to get out of the situation I'm in is to strike it medium-sized with a nicely loyal audience that wants to pay for my words, and then spread the word that they are Good Words, and then they will buy them too because they want me to make a living Writing Words, Many Words.
And then I'm forcing Mike to move to Somewhere in Europe with me which won't be hard because their Super Cars are much more Super-er then they are over here.
1) Bought a Fancy Car. 2011 Dodge Avenger Lux, V6.
Over the past year or so I've slowly become one of those car people. Thanks, Mike. Anyway, the car. Dubbed Jarvis, it's affordable but fancy and my butt likes sitting it. And with some self-discipline I'll have it paid off sooner than later... sooner being years, but not being too many years.
2) Exercise shit is doing nothing.
But I'm eating too much bread anyway, so that might be a cause. I don't know. I am tired of my pants being tight and it just isn't going away.